New Refrigerator Sign

I'm having a new sign made for the refrigerator; it will read like this:


Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are
yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my
plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I
also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the
bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage
to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine,
meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in
an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go
smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this
enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following
message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less
(2) don't ask for money all the time
(3) are easier to train
(4) normally come when called
(5) never ask to drive the car

and

(6) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children